i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
