did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
