Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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