Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
