actually, I'm a sock model
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
