I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I am midnight drunk by noon
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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