I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize