i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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