The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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