I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My dick has a subreddit
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
