Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
