Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
