Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Randomize
