I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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