if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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