You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
