dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
