Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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