i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize