Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
