Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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