You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
