3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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