my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
