I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
