Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
