i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
