Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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