God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
