Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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