please come you make the beer taste better
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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