his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
