I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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