she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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