At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
