I love black thongs
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
