Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
