he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
