Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
