and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
