You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
