Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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