Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize