So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
