HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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