If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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