"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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