I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
