you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
