I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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