My liver just broke up with me...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
