ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
