i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
