Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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