I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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