I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
