Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
