u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize