Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
