I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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