My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
