I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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