my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
