apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize