OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
